Thank You
by pi23523
Summary: A look into Rukia’s thoughts during the execution


**Title:** Thank You

**Summary: **A look into Rukia's thoughts during the execution

**A/N**: Well, I got this idea in my head and just sort of had to write it out… Those of you reading Trials, don't worry the next chapter should be out soon enough. I hope. Maybe. Gah, this has been a crazy week but I'll do my best to finish up chapter 3. Anyways, members of the Bleach fandom, I hope you enjoy this.

Almost forgot, major spoilers if you haven't watched up to episode 54. If you've only started watching Bleach since they let it out here in the US with dubbing, don't read this unless you don't mind being completely confused and completely exposed to major spoilage. If, however, you are like me and have watched the subbed episodes… go ahead!

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Surreal. That's what it felt like at first.

My feet were cold and the chill bit them but that didn't seem real either so the pain didn't bother me. The bleak landscape seemed to blur before me and I was starting to wonder if this was all a dream. A creation of my subconscious. But then again, it couldn't, could it?

Nobody spoke. The silence was eerie and it only made everything seem more like a remnant of my imagination. Maybe if someone spoke I would wake and find myself staring at the wall of Ichigo's closet. Or maybe that had been a dream as well.

The captains and lieutenants of the thirteen squads began gathering around the execution grounds and I could already see who was there and who wasn't. I saw faces but they all blurred in my vision and I wondered if any of them would really care. Some faces had pity and some were indifferent–cold statues that looked out to the horizon–but they all seemed simply part of the dream. Surreal and disconnected from reality.

Brother's face shook me when I finally saw it. I hadn't been sure if he would come and, somehow, I'd been hoping he wouldn't. Why would he want to witness such a thing? I had told Renji that I knew what kind of person my brother really was but maybe I didn't. Or maybe I did but tried my best not to believe it. Perhaps this would show the truth of reality. Cast down the façade that I had attempted to build and–because people weren't really that good, no, and it wasn't like anyone cared.

The captain of the first squad spoke to me and I finally remembered that people weren't good but there was Ichigo and Ichigo needed me. So I told the Captain the words I'd already formed, hid from the lie in his eyes and tried to let go of my guilt.

The scraping noise of stone grinding against stone seemed out of place and for a moment I was thrown in confusion. I had never witnessed an execution such as this. Who was I to know what would happen? I began to wonder then, hazily, whether or not the end of my death meant the beginning of a new beginning or if Rukia would simply cease to exist. Would I join the living world? Would I simply disappear? Or was there a third world that even the Shinigami were unaware of? If death was not truly a death, what was the end to all?

My arms moved on their own but l was not frightened. Perhaps I should have been because control is something I hold pride in. But then I forget that my pride has been torn from my grasping fingers.

What was there to have pride in anyways?

A skinny girl, underfed and unloved, scavenging for food in the very depths of hell–maybe that's where we've been all along, I think–then receiving but losing, left behind. Alone from beginning, throughout the halls of the Academy and still, now, all alone. Maybe there had once been a friend or two but they faded away when death and authority stepped in. You cannot be like that, you cannot say those things, you cannot act in such a way…

Brother's rules. Of course.

It's only then that I remember those that seemed outside the cage those rules created. I am selfish and try to pretend they were never there, because the pain is too great when I remember they were once there and are now not. But this disgraces their memory and I am ashamed.

The first to stand by me, the child that grew into a man I no longer seem to recognize. Renji has changed and I don't seem to understand change… We used to be the same and now we're not–and all it took was the world of Seiretei. But perhaps we're not so different. We both strived and fell, got back on our feet only to be struck down, and then back up again–but in the end we both gave in to the sway of authority and now we don't recognize ourselves.

At least Renji has tried though–all I did was run. I try not to think much on his attempt and what it has led to but Renji deserves my silent thanks before–

_Thank you, Renji._

I watch as the Soukyou is being released. Flames erupt from the shining blade and I am completely bewildered by the sight before me. Again, I do not understand. I am a low-level shinigami who is neither powerful not strong. A coward, perhaps, who cannot runs away from situations she cannot handle but surely…

I look down on the faces that have shrunk in the distance. They blur even more now but somehow I manage to pick out my brother's tall figure. Again, I wonder if he is truly the man that I told Renji I knew he was. I don't think I will ever truly know who my brother is, especially now that–

My brother is a very secretive man. He does not explain himself and feels no need to. It's as if he expects everyone to accept his actions as they are and leave it at that. And I have learned to do so, despite loneliness, sadness, suppressed anger… despite myself, despite the fact that my brother made no attempt to save me–is he a coward truer than I am or perhaps braver than any soul here?–I feel the need to thank him. I don't understand why but I do so.

_Thank you, Ni-sama._

And then my captain, yes, could I ever forget one such as him? Strong and weak, all in the same moment. He is not here and I am thankful. Weakness–I do not enjoy showing weakness. That's why it was so hard to be around–

_Thank you, my captain._

And, of course, with my captain there was Kaien. With Renji gone, it was he that gave me the sense of family, of belonging, that Brother could not but then again, it was he, his death, that took it all away–maybe it would have been better not to have that feeling to begin with. It was safer with Brother I realize. I finally understand my need to thank my brother.

Perhaps, now, I will see Kaien? Suddenly I am fearful of a true death not for the ending itself but because it means that, maybe, I will have to face Kaien and be reminded of my guilt a thousand fold. Guilt to much guilt–it's another similarity, I realize, that Kaien and–

_Thank you, Kaien._

Despite my sadness. Despite my guilt.

Soukyou looms before me, strong and bright. Who knew there could be such a glorious, cowardly death?

I can feel the heat now, brushing against my skin. The warmth chases out the emptiness within me and suddenly I feel bright, vibrant emotion. Sadness, happiness, guilt…

It's ironic that I should feel so alive in my final moments, in my death.

I can feel the souls of those that approach me in desperation but I know they will not make it in time. And for that I am grateful. I will be dead and therefore they will be allowed to return home, to the living world…

My death holds their lives.

And I am grateful.

Still, the attempt me touches me more than I can say and I must thank them.

_Thank you,_

_ Inoue, Chad, Ishida, Yoruichi, Hanataro and Ganju._

There is one name I cannot say.

Tears began to fall from my eyes and I find I can no longer care that I have lost the semblance of my calm. As much as I am grateful, in the end I really am simply a coward. I do not want to die.

As Soukyou moves in to deliver my end, I close my eyes and try not to tremble. To comfort myself, I picture the faces of my past and–

I cannot see his face. For a few moments I panic but after a few moments the feelings wash away. Of course, his back must be turned to me. I am death and he is life–we cannot face each other and hope to smile.

So I smile to myself, with the comfort of the warmth in my heart. I try to forget the burning sensation of fire on my skin.

_This is the end._

Thank you, Ichigo.

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**A/N: **I wonder, should I leave this like it is or add on another chapter describing Rukia's reaction to Ichigo's "rescue"? Please review and let me know what you guys think.


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